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  • Writer's pictureRebel Jones

Homemade Vegan Cookies - Just Why?

I feel that homemade vegan cookies should come with a health warning. A big black and yellow sign, with the words 'DON'T DO IT' printed across. And a list of emergency service numbers, a who-to-contact database, in case you accidently ingest these concrete monstrosities.


I'm not anti vegan (or at least I wasn't until I tried to bake homemade vegan cookies for my son's friend). I'm pro-choice, a free the monkeys and the bananas kinda girl.


Homemade Vegan Cookies - A Diet I Understand

But if someone could kindly explain why you would choose to put these sugar coated sandpapered clinkers in your mouth, I would very much appreciate it. I'm actually lost for words on this one. And not just because my mouth is still full of cookie grit.


Anyway, when deciding to make these mutilated munchies, I did everything by the book (despite the internal cries of 'Use Real Butter!')


I spent an unjustifiable amount of time, searching the supermarket for moo-free ingredients. And even sacrificed my own gluten-free flour and baking powder (which, before anyone starts pointing fingers, were not perpetrators of this crime! I'm well-versed in all foods gluten free and know how to adapt 'normal-people' recipes to suit.)


Having combined the ingredients, I carefully spooned the vegan chocolate balls onto my freshly-washed trays, and slid them into the oven. This was the moment of truth. The point of no return.


And so, I began praying to any non-confrontational religion out there. I wasn't in any way about to convert. But if 'God' did exist, that would have been a good time to show it. Make an entrance. Shimmy those sun-kissed maracas... And no, I don't know how 'God' just became a Latin-American dancer.


Homemade Vegan Cookies - That's a no from me

But it seems that no amount of praying would save these baked un-goods.


As I opened the oven door, I was overcome with shame, disappointment, and disgust. The pitiful mess that oozed over my once favourite tray smelt of death (which is ironic, given that no animal products were used!) The chocolate balls has turned to a golden sludgy mess. And the, what should have been chewy edges, were instead brittle with an unsettling layer of grease.


I believe the cookies were having some kind of identity crisis, as they began to solidify. It was like a horror scene from some B-rated movie, where the Slime Monster mutates into an 18ft serpent. And the crowd of fear-stricken civilians run for their lives.


Thinking outside the box, they could be used on death row (no point wasting good cookies there!) Or given to people who are trying to kick the sugar munchies. A cookie bad enough to kill all cravings. Makes sense!


But seriously, where did it go so wrong?


Oh yeah, that's right - I used vegan-friendly foodstuff. I substituted my rich butter for some plant based compound. And I took all of the fun out of chocolate with moo-free imitations.


Homemade Vegan Cookies - A Diet I Understand

To the vegans among us, I need to ask, how? How do you ingest this depressive excuse for a cookie? How do you smile at every bite, without choking on the sawdust they leave behind?


And how do you sleep at night, knowing that millions of small animals die whilst harvesting the crops needed to fulfil your cruelty-free lifestyle? Those farm machines indiscriminately plough the ground, and your vegan wheat berries are soon stained with blood.


It's a gruesome thought, I know. But an unavoidable reality in the same breath.


I am an animal lover. I treat our cat like one of the children. And those children will rush to speak to a four legged friend way before any human. We feed the donkeys at our nearby farm. And we're overjoyed to see Jeremy Clarkson's cow, Pepper, live to become a Mum.


But I'm not willing to give up the little bit of joy I get from rich, buttery cookies. Guilt-trip me all you want but rest assured, it won't even come close to the shame I felt baking those vegan violations.


The smell of cookie death still lingers in my oven. And without the use of harmful chemicals (yes, surprisingly, I do have a limit to the misery I unleash on this world), I fear the only solution is to bake a Victoria sponge or two, a tray of gooey brownies, and maybe even a Sunday roast!


Sorry not sorry, but I'll stick to my non-vegan (and considerably more edible) food from now on. And leave you plant-based activists to enjoy your fake bacon brunch!


 

"Vegan is just an old native word for bad hunter."


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