Scammers, Spam Emails, and Funky Oranges: My Late-Night Hobby

I think I've finally found my calling in life. Yup. I am a Scam Magnet. It's a bit like a babe magnet, or chick magnet, only I'm 42 and apparently smell of Con-Artist Catnip rather than Jimmy Choo perfume.

See, my website, this very same website, and consequently my email inbox is being inundated with scammers... I mean 'experts' in marketing, in websites, Wix partners that aren't actually anything to do with Wix (which, if you're unfamiliar with, is the hosting company I rent virtual space from), and they always, always reach out from a Gmail account.

Now, I’m not dissing Gmail - I use it myself.

Why? Because I can’t justify the cost of a shiny @rebeljoneslifeontherocks.co.uk email. It’s about the same price as:

• Four bags of potatoes, or

• Fifteen bags of carrots, or

• A jar of my favourite coffee with a carton of lactose-free milk… providing they’re both on offer

  
  

... all of which, frankly, feel like better value for money than a fancy email addy.

Anyway, sometimes I tell these 'experts', politely, that I don't need their services

Sometimes, I'm more direct with a 'Funky Oranges' kind of reply... You get the idea.

And sometimes, I like to toy with them, just a little bit.

Now, let’s be clear - I take the mick out of plenty of groups (vegans and snowflakes come to mind!) but never skin colour or origin. I'm not in the slightest bit racist.

It's just unfortunate that the scammers who flood my inbox tend to have, shall we say, creative English. And honestly? That’s where the fun begins. Especially at 1 or 2 in the morning, when my brain refuses to switch off and I’ve got nothing better to do than toy with a 'marketing guru' and their scripted straight from a course on how-to-get-rich-quick drivel.

Let me give you an example with this email I just received:

Hi Rebel

My name is Linda Seifreit, and I work with authors to help their books gain meaningful traction without the stress of navigating the online promotion landscape alone.

I specialize in building smart visibility strategies that put your work in front of the readers most likely to engage, buy, and share. Whether you’re looking to expand your reach or simply curious about what’s possible, I’d be glad to explore ways we can grow your audience together. 

Here are a few of the services I offer:

• Category Precision Matrix

• Scan-to-Read Gateway

• Cinematic Book Teaser

• Visual Impact Suite

• Inbox Influence Blueprint

• Search Lift Protocol

• Engage & Grow Framework

• Listopia Visibility Surge

• Keyword Intel Engine

Every campaign I create is built around the soul of the book, its tone, themes, and emotional pull. If you’re open to it.

Let me know if you’d like to move forward or if you have specific questions.

Warm regards,

Linda Seifreit.

Now, that was a pretty decently worded email to be fair. Some big words there, most of which I had to Google. Some of which, Google needed to go Google.

But that's not what you're interested in, right? You want to know what ridiculous reply I thought was a good idea at the time (and honestly, still do).

OK. Since you asked:

Subject: Re: Your Impressive-Yet-Slightly-Terrifying Services

Hi Linda,

Thanks so much for reaching out. I’ve mulled over your rather dazzling list of services and, naturally, I have a few pressing questions before we proceed.

1 – The Cinematic Book Teaser

What a fabulous idea! But do tell me - what should I wear for this? Sequins? Lycra? A sensible cardi? Will I need to learn lines, or is it more of an interpretive dance situation? Also, will there be smoke machines? Because my glasses are likely to fog up, and I'm pretty blind without them.

2 – The Listopia Visibility Surge

Now this one sounds slightly alarming. To be honest, it feels a tad personal to offer up like that and probably something my gynaecologist should be screening me for. Unless, of course, you are medically trained? In which case, please send over your credentials.

3 – The Category Precision Matrix

Is this a step-by-step manual? A kind of 'birds and the bees', but for the more advanced? Because if so, I may have to decline. I’m not really in the market for those kinds of tutorials (although send me a separate email with the title 'Matrix Solutions for the Broke Author' and I may consider it!)

Warmest regards,

Rebel

Honestly, by this point, I'm not sure if I’d been offered some so-called marketing support or an OnlyFans subscription. The lines are definitely blurred... Mostly by me! But I'm holding Linda (if that even is her name) entirely accountable for the sordid shenanigans that followed her initial email.

Yes, some people knit.

Some people do yoga.

Some people scroll TikTok until their eyeballs shrivel.

Me? I toy with scammers until one of us gives up.

And spoiler alert: it’s never me.

So, what would you have fired back at Linda? Come on, don’t be shy - hit me with your best spam-slaying lines. I’ll be forwarding the link to her so she can up her spamming game.

And Linda? You’re welcome! P.S. If you laughed at this more than you’d like to admit, my book Raising an Emotionally Charged Ostrich is packed with the same kind of laugh-out-loud chaos. Grab a copy on Amazon, or if you'd prefer a signed edition, just drop me a message.

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 "Life is too short for fake butter, fake cheese, or fake people."

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